Tiny Dancer
Ali Bernstein sends
up the life of a young Jewish princess in PIT performance
By Cristina
Merrill / Jester correspondent
Few
things are better than a full hour of good comedy, especially when the
comedian is Ali Bernstein. The teeny-tiny 4-foot-10-inch funny gal
performed “J.A.P.: A One-Woman Sketch Show” at The People’s Improv
Theater on Nov. 5. Written and performed by Bernstein and directed by
Joe Schiappa, “J.A.P.” is about an 11-year old Jewish girl from Long
Island who enjoys poking fun at the different people in her life, from
her ditzy older sister to her tennis counselor at sleepaway camp to her
gambling grandmother. Bernstein adeptly portrays each character, giving
each one a unique personality and voice. Such versatility on her part
keeps the show interesting, making audience members look at her instead
of glancing at their watches.
A
voiceover introduces the skit, saying that in 1999 – when “Celine Dion
was in and plaid was out”— a girl was born, one who would save everyone
with her point of view. Enter Bernstein, wearing pink sweatpants, pink
sneakers and a white T-shirt. With her left hand on her hip and her
right hand constantly twirling her ponytail, Bernstein introduces
herself as Lindsay, the most popular girl in bunk 3 at sleepaway camp.
In a high pitched voice, she says that she has to talk really loud
because she is the most popular, and that other girls are jealous
because they are fat. She explains that she is very good at
impressions, and she starts off by impersonating one of the most
important people in her life: the camp bus driver, Sam. Wearing a
Yankees cap and a jean jacket and sporting an Indian accent, Bernstein
portrays Sam as a man who came to the U.S. to join the Mickey Mouse Club
and is obsessed with Billy Joel (“He has a song written for
everything.”).
Going back to playing Lindsay, Bernstein explains that she likes to
smoke cigarettes without actually smoking them because “you can still
get drunk.” She goes on to imitate Carrie Anne, her anxiety-ridden
friend from Tennessee. Carrie Anne worries about guns in her house
because her brother, she says, wants to kill her. “He’s 9,” she said.
Back as Lindsay, Bernstein says that since Jews are not allowed in the
South they should not be allowed in New England sleepaway camps. “But my
counselor says that’s racist,” she said.
Bernstein’s Lindsay is especially good at imitating family members. She
portrays her older sister as a spoiled young woman who cannot stop
herself from texting her boyfriend during a job interview for a public
relations position. “I’m like a PR slut,” she tells the interviewer. She
is also funny when portraying her mother. She reenacts the speech her
mother gave at her sister’s bat mitzvah. In this speech, her mother begs
her older daughter to not become a slut in high school and get pregnant.
“You can’t do me one favor and keep your legs closed?” she asks. “What?”
she asks right after, not realizing the humiliation she has caused her
daughter.
Bernstein’s best impersonation was that of her tennis counselor at camp.
Wearing a baseball cap and white shorts and sporting a deeper, more
masculine country accent, Bernstein’s male counselor character talks to
a trainee, explaining that the kids’ parents pay a “shitload” of money
for them to be there. Therefore, the counselors cannot kill the
children, although he threatens to several times. “Naked time is not
till later,” he tells Jason, a young camper who cannot seem to keep his
clothes on. Bernstein was excellent in this role and earned several
well-deserved laughs from the audience.
Bernstein is one of those few comedians who can hold an hour-long,
one-person show and keep it interesting. Her versatility pays off, as
she is able to play a range of characters and give them life. She is
especially charismatic when she portrays Lindsay, and manages to make
the character both annoying and charming. An hour-long, one-person show
would be a drag with a lesser performer, but with Bernstein, the time
flies.
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